“I feel as if I wasn’t heard” is a
phrase that counsellors often hear from people who are unburdening the sorrows
of their past. It is invariably said with sadness and regret and usually
describes feelings experienced during childhood or at times of particular
stress.
Perhaps all of us have had the experience of not being really
heard. We know what it means; we know how it can feel. At least those
difficulties which we have experienced, as we reflect on them, can help us be
more attentive to others as we listen to them.
There is a difference between hearing and listening. Take, for
example, the story of a boy entering puberty and starting high school who was
embarrassed because he was the only kid in the class wearing unfashionable
clothes. He told his parents he wanted to wear clothes like his friends’,
but they responded by saying there was nothing wrong with what he had. Or the
situation of a man who wants to discuss some concerns about his sexual
relationship only to have his wife reassure him that nothing is wrong and that
he is just overworked. In yet another example, a creative woman recalled how
she loved to daydream and spend time alone when she was a child, but her
parents kept telling her she was becoming antisocial and insisted she go out
more.
The end result of such experiences is that these people consider
themselves misunderstood and invalidated and develop feelings of low
self-esteem and worthlessness.
In most situations, people hear what is being said, but do not listen.
This confines the communication to a purely factual level. What is not being
listened to is the feelings embedded in the words
– the message about the message. But listening to the hidden subtext,
sometimes referred to as listening with the third ear, can be difficult and
requires that we take time and be receptive: attributes that are sometimes
difficult to find in our manic and fact-obsessed world.
When someone tells us something that’s important to them, we,
whether we choose to or not, pick up their feelings and this can make us
anxious, perhaps unconsciously reminding us of similar issues that we
don’t want to face. One way of dealing with this is to simply pretend not
to hear what has been said and go off on some irrelevant tangent, thereby keeping
the conversation at a superficial level. A more subtle way is to hear but not
listen, and to respond by offering all manner of advice. This advice does not
originate out of concern for the wellbeing of the other person, but out of
anxiety.
Yet when someone is “only trying to help” in giving
advice, it’s often difficult to tell them that they’re not really
listening! Such a comment in reply could cause offence.
Instead of reacting against the feelings we might pick up as we
listen to people, it usually is much more respectful and helpful to allow
oneself to identify with the feelings, to experience the same kind of feeling
ourselves, to be in solidarity with that person at the level of emotion, while
at the same time retaining a clarity of mind that should be easier for us as we
are not involved in the consequences of the emotions. Without telling the other
person what to do, we can speak with a clearer vision. Oftentimes the other
person can benefit from the clarity we express in reflecting his/her story and
then come to see a positive way forward in the situation.
When being told something, it is worth pondering whether not
rushing into giving advice might, in fact, be the most fitting response. Then
we may find ourselves actually listening and not just hearing.